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I don’t think it was ever about me until it was. It was about me needing closure, needing to be fixed, needing someone to fix me. I lived unknown and forgotten and had almost lost who I was.
I had spent years trying to collect these things about a person that I could love. There wasn’t one solidified thing, it had to be stupid, small ways that force me to remember all of the things I wished to forget. The stupid way you sit, the way your eyes can change colour from green to grey, the way you were there, unconditionally, and loved me through some of my worst times.
He had induced this life where I was no longer living. I was held under by broken promises that would mend themselves and little nothings that had me hanging onto everything. I was trapped here, even in the times he left, because this was home, this was what I knew, all I knew.
You know, it’s funny the things people do that makes us smile. Laughter is one of mine. The look in someone’s eyes and the sound they make, knowing in that moment they are happier than they ever could be is facilitating. I fed off of that good energy to get me through the day, try and seem that the months alone weren’t as hard as they really were.
I felt alone in a room of people, I never felt like I was home anymore. He had left, but he had also left all of himself trapped inside of me. There was unfinished business and because of a series of unfortunate events, we never had time.
I lived as a ghost during these times, I call them my graveyard years. I called them this because I truthfully believed I would die before the age of twenty five. I had lost my only support system, and during my “graveyard” years, I had pushed away everyone else I loved.
I cried for them all, honestly. Life wasn’t like it used to be, there was responsibility and anger and hostility. There was genuinely bad people in the world I had come to know and thought he had become. I was unsettled and alone and that was how I lived.
Towards the end I finally learned something I can value. I learned that not everyone is always going to be there, sometimes people leave but they still love you. Sometimes words aren’t enough to save someone or something. Sometimes when you lose everything it’s just the beginning of new things. Sometimes you don’t see how many people would care if you didn’t wake up tomorrow.
It’s the little things that saved me. Honestly, I always wanted to live, I just didn’t know how badly I had to want to die to realize it."